How to Build Confidence in Kids and Teens

In this episode, we answer a listener's question about helping a 13-year-old who struggles with confidence. We share practical tools parents can use to help kids develop genuine self-belief by focusing on what they can control, how they respond to setbacks, and the habits that create resilience over time.

We discuss:

• Why internal confidence is stronger than confidence built on praise or external validation.
• How confidence struggles show up through body language, breathing, and self-talk.
• Interrupting negative thought spirals with one simple question: "Who's in control?"
• Building confidence through small, meaningful choices that create autonomy.
• Using an experiment mindset so mistakes become feedback instead of failures.
• Helping kids create their "most confident self" through intentional breath, posture, and inner dialogue.
• How an alter ego can help young athletes and students perform with greater confidence.
• Why parents are the greatest model of confidence—and how letting your child watch you recover from mistakes teaches resilience.

Whether you're raising an athlete, a student, or simply want to help your child become more resilient, this episode provides practical strategies that build confidence from the inside out.

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Transcript

Welcome And Listener Question

Heidi 0:00

Welcome back to the show.

Ryan 0:01

Let's go. I heard you said that we had a question come in.

Heidi 0:05

So let's wrote it down here. Um so our the question from a listener here. Hi Ryan and Heidi. I have a 13-year-old son who struggles with confidence. How do I start helping him build more confidence in himself?

Ryan 0:26

Okay. Confidence is so important. Those are the foundation of everything.

Heidi 0:31

I think that's what every parent says they want their kid to be more confident than that.

Ryan 0:34

And everybody's struggling and everybody's struggling with it. It's a real thing, man. And it helps it helps to take ac it helps you take action, helps you stay in action, helps you like overcome mistakes and everything else. It's just so important to have

Internal Vs External Confidence

Ryan 0:48

this. We talked about it a little bit about the the difference between external validation type of confidence and you know getting approval, acknowledgement, recognition versus internal confidence. And um I think we have to really be aware of how to build internal confidence. Um I love I love this question for a couple reasons. Number one is uh we've been doing something different with um our kids last couple weeks, it just came back up spontaneously in a moment where I just asked a question and it's been amazing to watch them snap out of whatever pattern that they were in in a moment, where they were in a little bit of doubt or whatever, self-criticism of some sort, kind of overreacting. Yeah.

Patterns, Habits, And Autonomy

Ryan 1:36

Uh so I'm gonna give it a little bit of kind of like where my mind initially went is first of all, understand that everything's a pattern. Right? And so the initial step to creating a new pattern is to interrupt the old.

Heidi 1:56

So you mean like a mental, a physical or emotional pattern.

Ryan 1:59

Everything's a pattern, physical, mental, and emotional pattern, and usually they're all interconnected some way, shape, or form. The physical feeds into the mental and emotional, back and it's a psychical.

Heidi 2:09

Big feedback loop.

Ryan 2:10

So it our personalities are patterns that have ran for an extended period of time. Right? Patterns become habits, habits become personalities or kind of uh so eventually self-concepts and identities. So the beautiful thing about youth and why we love working with youth, um, you know, when I say youth, I'm uh even up to the you know, like low twenties, yeah, is that they rewire insanely fast. Um and so and and at the foundation of the question that I'm gonna pose here as a great starting point, because the question is how do I start helping them? Which I love that idea of starting and getting going and making it practical and appliable, is you gotta look at basic the basic human aspect of as an individual begins to grow up in your home, and the and this and the developmental component that I think sometimes gets uh overlooked is the need for autonomy for choice, right? To give people that give you know a kid the feeling like they have choice in their life, and there's a lot of things about our current world that, in my opinion, strip them of autonomy and social media and overconsumption of of information, and so like it just it's overwhelm, it's it's indecision, and it causes this feeling of I don't have control because choice and control to me are very interconnected, right?

Heidi 3:51

And depending on the age, like they may be in school from you know 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. and there's very little choice in what they're doing throughout the day, and then they're they may have sports afterwards, and so there's a lot of things that are very structured, which can be good, it can help keep kids out of trouble, um, but it can also kind of create that sense of lack of feeling of autonomy or choice in their life.

Ryan 4:17

They need some freedom and exp some exploration. So I mean going back to even when the kids were little and they and you you you did want them to have a vegetable, and you didn't care if it was a carrot or broccoli, so you gave them a choice. Which one do you want? Carrot or broccoli. Yeah, and they'd be more likely to eat the vegetable if they chose it.

Heidi 4:39

Yeah.

Ryan 4:39

And so that's the foundation of that like process beginning of understanding these hacks of getting people to to make uh conscious choices for themselves to be feel a sense of control. They they feel like they're choosing it, so it's their, you know, that they're more likely to like kind of own it, right?

"Who’s In Control" Reset

Ryan 4:59

So here's the question that we asked, and it was a moment where I just and again I didn't have really thought about it, it was kind of just a spontaneous, like pattern, what's Antoni Robbins calls it, a pattern interrupt, right? I just asked the question, who's in control? And the kids, I am. Oh, and whatever moment of lack of control of their emotions, of their mental state, of their physical body in that moment, because something was said, brother said something, and it upset sister or whatever that thing was, it was I was like, holy shit, that works really good. Because legitimately it would just snap them out of it, and they just stopped whatever pattern program that was running, and they're like, I am. And I'm like, okay, well then take control. Right. And now that opens the door to all kinds of other things that help to build confidence, you know, like being able to regulate yourself and awareness builds control, attention control, like all these mental skills, right? State control, all these things that we teach. Um, and if you can master those skills, it helps to build confidence. Right. But that to me, if I based upon our experiment of being human and experimenting with the knowledge that we have and the tools that we teach, and exploring how to integrate them in a in a progressive and kind of graceful way without being over the top, which sometimes I am over the top with not my not my daughter. No, not my daughter, but my son. I am absolutely at times.

Heidi 6:34

I thought you just meant in in general, you're over the top. And I was like, Thank you, honey.

Ryan 6:38

I love you too. I know what you really think of me. And uh, no, that's all good. And um, no, I am. It's cool. Um, you know, how to integrate these things in a way that it really feels like they realize the power in it, they just automatically go, like, yeah, the mind is so powerful and I want to learn more. What else can you teach me, dad? Type stuff, right? Rather than me feeling like I'm teaching to them, because I don't want that with my kids. I'm fine with teaching to clients who ask for it, but I'd rather my kids are like asking for it, if that makes sense, right? Because that's part of the choice piece too. So that to me was a very simple pattern interrupt. Because what you need to do to start to build confidence is to learn how to interrupt whatever pattern is running, whatever pattern of doubt or fear or judgment or criticism or lack of any kind of whatsoever, and it shows up in poor body language, your breath gets disturbed, what your eyes are doing, they're looking down instead of up to the horizon, your shoulders are slumped forward instead of up and back, and your chest is whatever, right? Uh your breath is a little irregular. Because even when I did it the other day in Haley, we were in the kitchen and I asked her, Hey, who's in control? And she's like, I am. And she was in the middle of kind of being emotional. The first thing she did was a big old deep breath. And I'm like, Yeah.

Heidi 8:03

It's like, yeah, that's right. I'm in here having this experience. I'm just watching it.

Build The New Confidence Pattern

Ryan 8:08

Yeah.

Heidi 8:08

I love that you call it an experiment, a human experiment. That's what we're doing. Because that's that's something I like to say to my clients. Like, let's just think of this, whatever we're working on. It doesn't matter if it's an athlete or or a professional, whoever I'm working with. Like, let's just look at what we're doing. Let's look at this as an experiment. Let's try things on, let's observe it. Let's say, huh, look at that when something goes one way or another way. It's all opportunities to learn. And when we realize that it is an experiment in that way, then we can we can detach from making everything mean that it's so like such a big deal, and be able to um just be more explorative, be be more curious. And I think that curiosity and confidence go hand in hand as well.

Ryan 9:00

Well, part of the other as a bait, if you get you know, if you really study basic human needs, there's the idea for adventure and exploration, playfulness, right? So the idea of making it an experiment is another confidence builder because you now detach from it, like you said, you take it a little less serious or less personal. Because the biggest problem, and Michael Sr. calls it the personal mind. I mean, you can unpack the mind and ego and intellect, the personal mind are the two aspects of mind that Michael talks a lot about that I completely resonate with. Um and if it's the what what gets in the way of confidence is the personal mind. And the personal mind is is somebody you know making a mistake, let's say, and and then taking it on as some sort of a belief about themselves that they take they take it personal now, right? Like I I screwed up, I'm a mistake, I'm not good enough, whatever. And now the personal mind is creating this egoic construct that that diminishes a narrative that diminishes confidence. So uh, you know, you're talking about the ability to kind of make it more playful and experiment, which helps you to detach from the experience a little bit, see it more objectively, which that's another mental skill.

Heidi 10:27

Here's what I would say to a 13-year-old. Let's pretend that we're doing an experiment and we're going to add things and take things away that are all about building your confidence. So let's put on our little white lab coat.

Ryan 10:43

That's an alter ego conversation.

Heidi 10:45

And let's like step outside of it and let's think of what the most confident version of you would look like, right? And how would they act and how would they walk and how they would talk and carry themselves and all these things, right? What would we want to take away? And that's them noticing the patterns of the things that are not helping their confidence, the ways that they're showing up. I don't like that when I show up. That way it doesn't feel good. And what would we add? How would your we'll use our hero's triad, your your breath, your posture, your spoken word, the things that you're thinking about yourself, your self-talk, how would those things be? Uh if you're your most confident version of yourself and like use it as an as an experiment. But I think the important part about that is stepping outside of yourself, putting on the little white lab coat and saying, if I were to create the most confident version of myself, what would I add? What would I take away?

Ryan 11:45

That's an alter ego.

Heidi 11:46

Yeah, and then it's giving them the choice, right? It's give it's making it their idea and their uh and their creation. And it's it's experimental and it's full of curiosity and fun, and uh and that could be a way to start the conversation.

Ryan 12:00

I love that. So you had two examples. One a question to ask to interrupt the pattern. Now this is what we just spontaneously did. A pattern interrupt, and then if you did Heidi's example of determining kind of the experience that they do want to have, like an alter ego type of heroic self, uh, image, thoughts, emotions, body language, attitude, what you know, all those pieces you identify that. Once you interrupt the pattern, you then practice and rehearse the new pattern that you've identified, that you've explored, that you're making your experiment. And now you've just learned how to transform anybody's life. That's it. Like, that's it. That we're we're done recording podcasts.

Heidi 12:50

We just uh that is it. You know what I realized is that our daughter created an alter ego. She started wearing, I had these blue light glasses.

Ryan 12:57

I love this. By the way she's adorable in those glasses, by the way.

Heidi 13:00

And she's like, Hey, can I try those on? And she realized, hey, these look kind of good on me. And I notice a change in her personality when she's wearing the glasses.

Ryan 13:08

So much more comfortable.

Heidi 13:09

She was like more confident, she's more studious, she's more detailed.

Ryan 13:12

They blue light glasses, which means they're not prescription, her eyes are perfect, but she puts on glasses and she wears them all the time.

Heidi 13:19

She's been wearing them all the time, but I have noticed like how um certain aspects of her personality that are strengths for her and organization and and all of these things, it it's like amplified when she puts the glasses on.

Ryan 13:34

That's so awesome.

Heidi 13:34

Uh-huh.

Ryan 13:35

I've got things you can play around with like. It's funny you bring that up because I've actually gotten so used to the glasses that I forgot.

Heidi 13:41

That she doesn't actually wear glasses.

Ryan 13:42

She doesn't actually wear glasses, she's just wearing them, and I'm like, She's just wearing glasses, good for her, you know. Uh, but there has been a huge shift. Yeah. So that's it. We're done recording. We're never gonna record on a podcast. That's it. Because all you need to do is interrupt the pattern by asking yourself who's in control, then you gotta decide uh your what is your heroic heroic triad is your breath, your posture, your internal dialogue, your attitude, your focus, what your eyes are doing, and then just go practice that, rehearse that, and then really everything else takes care of itself. So that's it. Shabumi effortless. Shaboomi effortless ease. That's it.

Heidi 14:15

So, but I mean, I feel for the person writing the question, it is tough as a parent when you feel like you know, when your kid is struggling with confidence and it's affecting their life in different ways, whether that be at sports or in school. Um, so absolutely love where their heart is at asking this question, and and hopefully those things are are helpful. And I'm sure, you know, if you're if you wrote this and you're listening to a bunch of our podcasts, you're gonna get a lot of other ideas in the other episodes too.

Ryan 14:42

Can I add one more? I just can't, I can't not.

unknown 14:45

Okay.

Heidi 14:46

What do you got?

Model Confidence As A Parent

Ryan 14:47

Take a look in the mirror and do the same thing for yourself.

Heidi 14:50

Yeah.

Ryan 14:51

Model and work on your own confidence. Because even at 49 years old, here soon, the next month, I'm gonna be 49. Uh, I'm still working on my confidence.

Heidi 15:04

Yeah, 100%.

Ryan 15:05

I'm still working on it. I I can see there's times and moments where my confidence gets dinged, or there's this little kind of disturbance, and I'm like, you know, and I'm like, oh, there's work to do still. And the number one thing that you can do to help your children at any age, I don't care if they're 13 or 30, yeah, or three, whatever, doesn't matter, uh, is you in their environment, in their aura, and you know, proximity with them, be have the you personally having the vibration, the frequency of having more confidence, you modeling and acting with more confidence, you handling things and responding to things with more confidence is going to a hundred percent just be passed on to them.

Heidi 15:52

And help them to normalize the experience that they're having too by being open and transparent with them. I have worked with kids where they thought their parents were like perfect.

Ryan 16:02

Yeah.

Heidi 16:02

And I'm like, hey, you know what? Mom and dad struggle too. I promise you. I promise.

Ryan 16:07

Show you working through. Don't just say I'm good and I'm okay and there's nothing wrong. Like when there's a disturbance that they're aware of or that you're experiencing, yeah, let them see you navigating through it.

Heidi 16:20

Yeah. Yeah, in real time, because it does.

Ryan 16:23

And I think I said this on the other one, but the fundamental uh definition for confidence that we have come up with, or I have come up with that we talk about is can I handle this? And and I think that question of, hey, who's in control points back to that, like, oh, I realize that whatever seems like it's something I cannot handle. When I come back and I just connect to my breath and I remind myself I'm in control and I control the controllables, like that's a sport psychology component, control the controllables. Then I realize, oh, I can handle this, and nothing's actually happening right now, right? I can like I can be right here where my feet are, so I can handle this. So yeah, I love that the modeling, working through, overcoming challenge, like working on your own confidence, like you working on you. Parents work on you.

Heidi 17:20

That's that is the biggest thing for sure. Like you are uh we've talked about this, and we're gonna continue to talk about this. You're the environment. You are the environment. So it's it's really important, and and you can want to help, but you also, you know, human beings learn through modeling, so they have to see it. Be conscious here.

Ryan 17:37

The environment that your environment needs. Yeah, absolutely. Beautiful.

Text Us Your Questions

Heidi 17:41

Thank you so much for the question. Um, if you have a question or something that you want to provide as feedback on the show, there's a link in the show notes that you can text us. It comes directly to us, and we would love to talk about your question here on the podcast. Um, and just want to invite you to reach out there. So thanks again for listening. We'll see you next time.

Ryan 18:01

Thank you for your time.